So I realize I haven’t talked much about my pregnancy, not only on here but anywhere or to anyone. I think it’s because I honestly still have no idea what to make of it. I’m 28 weeks along, and the past 6 months has gone by extremely fast. My boyfriend and I were originally set on the placing this baby for adoption. There are pretty obvious, and less obvious reasons for this. I’m seventeen, not exactly the year of my life I thought I’d start a family. I haven’t finished school, I work at a coffee shop, almost all of my money goes to rent, bills, gas and food, and I’m just ill equipped for a baby. That barely skims why I was considering adoption. However, about a month ago my boyfriend mentioned to me that he was having second thoughts about keeping our child. I immediately went into panic mode. The thought terrified me. Since then, we’ve talked, shared our ideas and thoughts with each other, family, and the adoption agency. We’ve come to the conclusion that together we’re more than capable of being a mommy and a daddy. Both Daniel and I have a love and understanding for each other that I don’t think many other people get the chance to experience. I have no doubt whatsoever that this child will get every ounce of the love he deserves from both of us. I still have yet to make “the decision”. And I’m just scared. I know I can be a great mom. I just wish I didn’t have to rely on anyone for help with my baby, and at this point in my life I’m going to need a lot of help. I think this is the only thing holding me back from saying “yes, we’re keep him”. I don’t want to have to rely on the government for financial support, and medicaid for insurance. Or family for care taking while we’re at work. Although, I guess every new mom needs help. If you’ve ever been in my position, you know how damn hard it is. Daniel used to be the only guy on my mind. Now there’s two, him and his son. I’m constantly, and I mean 100% of my day, thinking about this child. I don’t know what to do. I want to say yes, yes I’m keeping my son. I just keep getting pulled back in the other direction. There are so many people more ready than me. At the same time, this is my son. Something myself and the most genuine guy I know created. It’s truly a beautiful thing. My thoughts just run and run in all different directions. I know I’m probably not making a lot of sense. If only answers would just come to me. It is getting closer and closer, and I need to make a decision. I’m scared, and excited. I love this baby. Just as much as I love his dad. Either way he’ll know that.

It’s kind of an odd thing, being pregnant. The typical woman in the first few months gets a little sick, or maybe really sick. I felt pretty awesome the first few months. In fact, a lot of the first two I didn’t even know I was pregnant. I maybe was a little more tired than normal, but no morning sickness really at all. I’m told I’m lucky. I also haven’t had any odd cravings. Cravings, yes, but nothing out of the ordinary. Yogurt is my best friend right now. My fourth/fifth month I felt amazing. Energized and healthy. Now I’m six months and still feel okay. No sickness really. Just a lot of back pain and foot pain. If I’m sitting for more than five minutes my back just starts killing. I hate it. Oh! Heartburn… that has sucked the whole time. I have never had heartburn in my life until now. It really really sucks. Other than that I just feel fat. I really didn’t start showing until about 4 and half months. It all came over night, and before that I was just little. I feel as if everything has grown over night. My stomach, my boobs, my thighs and butt. Not to mention my doctor says I’m gaining too much. Bleh. I guess it makes me feel better that most of my customers think I look tiny for six months. I get “You’re so cute!” or “Aww look at your little belly” almost every day at work. It’s just odd because I’ve never felt this unattractive in my life. Baby is kicking a lot. It’s so weird. It started out as just kicking, now it’s full on gymnastics in my stomach. I’m sure it’ll get much worse. But it is really weird feeling a human moving around inside of you. It’s a good reminder to me that he’s still in there, growing and everything is okay.

Meh… I’m just ranting now. You’ll probably see more of these random pregnancy posts. Especially when I have to go on bed rest and Daniel will be at work all day. But at least now I got it all out there. All my thoughts and where I stand with being pregnant.

Goodnight.